Front cover

Back-cover blurb

‘Jonathon Fairfax was astonished. This was nothing new. His first memory of being astonished dated from the age of three, when his mother had quite casually suggested that, instead of wearing a pair of comfy watertight pants, he should spend the rest of his life holding in his wee and poo. Now, seventeen years later, […]

I like my drinks impersonal

At Starbucks on the M1 A: Latte. B: What’s your name please sir? A: Why? B: It’s just to make your drink more personal. A: Don’t worry about it. B: I’ll just put a smiley face on it. I think they have picked the wrong country for this. But there was something beautiful about the […]

Creativity

Creativity is the residue of time wasted. Albert Einstein

The new Mini Futile: it’s gigantic

Are you an idiot? Do you want a car? Try the new Mini Futile – it negates all the advantages of the iconic original Mini by being absolutely massive.

Go to Wilton’s

Last night I went to the Mahogany Bar at Wilton’s Music Hall. It was well hidden but very well worth finding. Apparently, it was one of the first music halls and its bar was the first of London’s sumptuous high Victorian pubs. The bar itself was particularly spectacular, though no one knows what it was […]

Thought for the day

I truly believe that if something doesn’t at first appear to be impossible then it’s not worth doing. ArLynn Presser, blogger

King Moonfred and his Knights (from when I was six)

This is the first book I wrote. I did it back to front, which makes it a bit tricky to put it up here in a way that makes sense. Nonetheless, I’ve tried my best. So read on for the thrilling tale of King Moonfred and his Knights…

Labour schmaving

It occurred to me while using the automated self-checkout machine in Tesco today that I patiently accept a degree of shit from labour-saving devices that I would on no account put up with from people. Why should this be? The following is exactly what would have happened if a person had treated me like the […]

London Coffee Places and the Death of the English Language

Have you ever seen that episode of the Twilight Zone where a man finds that words are gradually being replaced? One day his wife asks him what he wants for dinosaur. He says ‘Dinosaur? Why don’t we call it lunch anymore?’ She says ‘because lunch is a sort of light red colour.’ He says ‘No, […]