Labour schmaving

It occurred to me while using the automated self-checkout machine in Tesco today that I patiently accept a degree of shit from labour-saving devices that I would on no account put up with from people. Why should this be? The following is exactly what would have happened if a person had treated me like the […]

London Coffee Places and the Death of the English Language

Have you ever seen that episode of the Twilight Zone where a man finds that words are gradually being replaced? One day his wife asks him what he wants for dinosaur. He says ‘Dinosaur? Why don’t we call it lunch anymore?’ She says ‘because lunch is a sort of light red colour.’ He says ‘No, […]

Boris Johnson and the unfortunate nature of his reality

I am, on balance, glad that Boris Johnson exists. He has a blond dandelion of hair that is forever falling in his eyes. He says ‘cripes’. He’s somewhat stout. He’s an old Etonian but forgets to tuck his shirt in. I find him comforting in the same way that I find Jeeves and Wooster comforting. […]

Uncooked melody

Should I admit that I sing to my food sometimes? I suppose I have now. This adaptation of the Righteous Brothers song is what I sing to the ashes of my meals and the treacherous slovenly oven that hates me so.

Yoga

I noticed something new yesterday. I was lying in an undignified knot on a sky-blue crash mat, my nostrils full of the smell of sweat and loose-fitting cotton. And the thing I noticed was that my yoga teacher’s joints make audible popping sounds when she walks. How can this be? She is the most yoga […]

On being chased out of a Helsinki graveyard by a squirrel

Have I ever told you about the time that I was chased out of a Helsinki graveyard by a squirrel? If so, stop reading now, because the rest of this describes the time I was chased out of a Helsinki graveyard by a squirrel. I think you will find it a tale that is at […]

A book in progress

I really ought to describe this in more depth, but since I’ve failed to make enough time to write the book, it seems even more difficult to take time to write about it. Anyway, it’s about a South African woman who ends up becoming a nurse in the Boer War of 1899-1902. It is emerging […]

Self-publishing

My publishing house is called Albatross. I set it up to self-publish my first novel, The Perpetual Astonishment of Jonathon Fairfax. I haven’t yet decided whether to publish anything else – I’ll see how my first try goes. Meanwhile, you can find out how I went about publishing that book.

Me and my website

This is where I will write something about me and my website.

Falls the hammer